HP…more than just a sauce

“We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” – Step 3 of the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous

For the longest while, I’ve struggled to connect with God [as I understand him]…

Caught up in my mind and my life and having it all about me, is what was going on. When that’s happening, there’s no way I can relate or connect, let alone do what the above step suggests. Often, it seemed easier to just run on my will-power…after all, this is what I know best right? It’s helluva difficult to ‘surrender’ to a ‘God’ [idea] that I’ve never seen [physically]…more so, when I really don’t want to believe he exists or even give that idea a chance.

Coupled with this, there’s the annoying part where others try to ‘enforce’ their understanding of God onto me, which just complicates the exercise even more.

Right now, I’m still not close to total surrender. It’s a daily struggle!

What I do find though, is once I’ve surrendered [even for a while], there’s evidence…positive evidence!

My struggle is different to yours and yours and yours…I don’t discount that for a moment. What I face may be minute in comparison to your turmoil. That being said, I have no doubt, the ability to call on a Higher Power can be nothing but liberating and quite frankly, helpful.

The mind is ridiculous though…at least, mine is. I’ll concoct a number of reasons as to why this is not a good idea…which has it’s fair share of repercussions.

Modern thinking would more often refute the idea of a God rather than accept it and enjoy the benefits.

I find the ‘as we understood him’ part quite humorous…cos, honestly, I at the best of times don’t understand God, which takes me to the realisation and comfort that I don’t actually need to ‘understand’ him, I really only need to trust him.

The sweet part about the ‘as we understood him’ is that nobody can really brainwash me into their understanding of God. Yes, they can share their thoughts and discoveries, but the onus is on me to discover God [as we understand him]

Today, I’ve decided to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him…



Just for Today!


Hear…and now!

Right now I’m sitting in my parent’s office/study area, typing this sentence. What I did before this is pretty much immaterial to what I’m actively doing now.

Yes there are possibly repercussions from earlier activities, which play themselves out in this present moments’ reality, however, the fact is there is nothing i can do about what has gone before…or even what is to come. I for one would love to disprove this fact, by thinking about my previous doings or how I shall conduct myself tomorrow – possibly with some goal or outcome in mind. My mind [can] become so obsessed by the future, that I forget what is actually happening right now…what i’m actually able to control.

My OCD’like behaviour and constant striving for perfection, means i dare not not know whats going to happen in my world tomorrow…or even in the next hour or next few minutes. I struggle. Wrestle with myself…the goings on in my head, thrashing out hundreds of possible scenarios, to ensure I get to exactly the outcome i want. It just has to go this way! Has to!

 By doing this, it is me who loses out on the [possible] pleasure of the present…bereft of the current happiness I may be enjoying. For what? The unknown.

So daily I am faced with a decision [one of many in fact], a decision as to whether I want to enjoy the present and life as I know it…OR i could get ahead of myself and let my sick mind run amok on happenings which have not and may never happen[ed].

Of course there is some necessity in planning and ensuring that which I can control is kept running smoothly, however, when I begin to focus on things which quite frankly aren’t even important or fact-based, with the view to ‘manipulating’ life to suit me…this is when I’ve lost the plot, and the consequences thereof are dire.

It is important to listen





Walk and Talk

I really have nothing to say today. However, I’ll somehow formulate some sort of comment or response so that my voice can be heard. I’ll spout such utter rubbish, with as little substance [to the topic at hand] as possible, but it’s so that I can speak.

My knowledge on certain topics leaves much to be desired, but sitting in silence while others contribute their informed opinion, is just too much to ask. How can I go unheard? How can i not know what they’re talking about? How can I be honest about my lack of understanding on this particular area.

Surely I should have an opinion on everything from two-toed sloths to rocket science and everything in-between. If I don’t comment I’ll be frowned upon, shunned and even mocked, right?

Am I not comfortable enough in my own skin to accept that I don’t have a handle on everything [most things] happening on this blue planet? Maybe some things aren’t important for me to take an interest in or get wind about…just maybe? It’s not like my role on earth is to be encyclopaedia-like in my interaction with other humans.

Hows about I concentrate on the key areas of my make-up and work on getting that ‘down pat’ instead of wanting to know what’s the latest on anything and everything…so that I can seem informed, when quite frankly I am not.

Life’s a lot about application of knowledge…not just knowledge.

I talk too much.

To Be Honest

There’s something about getting honest.

Something about telling it like it is. Saying exactly what transpired, exactly what I’m feeling, exactly what I’ve been hiding for days…weeks…months…even decades.

There’s a sense of liberation about it. A sense of freedom. Freedom from myself.

Of course, speaking secrets comes with its fair amount consequences. There’s no telling how the ‘public’ will react once they’ve come to know what we’ve been hiding for all this time. That said, at least, now they know and there’s an opportunity to move from there.

I’ve really needed to get honest with myself. Arguably the toughest three weeks of my time on this planet and this is just the beginning. The onus is now on me to continue being honest, continue living with my honesty, irrespective what the outcomes of this honesty entails.

With honesty comes sacrifice. Comes hurt. Comes disappointment…

I’d like to believe that in being honest I’ve gained respect too. Previously I sought respect by association, now I am respected for speaking truth. A lot more real, this.

Already today I’ve needed to be honest to three people. On all three occasions the response was supportive and totally unexpected. Yes, my mind runs wild with assumptions of what reactions I’ll get, assuming the worst of course. It’s how my brain works…incorrectly so.

I am my own worst enemy, more so when I’m dishonest.




Real Estate

You know there’s a place we some times come to, a place where reality is blurred. A place where you just don’t know whether what you’re experiencing is real or whether the information you’re being given, is.

It’s a scary place. However, this place allows for an opportunity. An opportunity to retrace your steps…to do some introspection…some thought-gathering…some whatever you choose to call it.

I’m about there, right now.

This is probably the most challenging experience I’ve had since pa fell off the bus…well he didn’t really fall off the bus, but rather, indicates how long I’ve gone without one of these.

There’s never a right time for this…never an opportune time. Cos, see, It just happens. When it does happen though, it is vital that we address it. Get on with it…

You could of course ignore this and continue in the other world. Not advisable though. The other world is fun, i won’t lie…the longer you take to realise that this isn’t entirely real or sustainable or honest, the tougher the rewiring process is.

On the up side. I have no clue what I’m in for during this rewiring process. I don’t know whether this rewiring process will sort out this head of mine. What I do know is that I have the opportunity to work at my reality. That’s the up side.

I am in no position to tell you how to go about finding your reality. I can also not tell you the depths you’d need to go to, the sacrifices you may need to make either. I’m only just realising I need to try and find mine.

What it says on the tin

People from the ‘burbs are ghetto. We wear baggy jeans, Buffalo boots and/or Nike Air Jordan. We usually have our front 4-6 teeth removed in favour of the ‘pap bek’ [soft mouth look] or some mineral/denture combo. We drink nothing other than Three Ships and or the 5lt boxed wine referred to as the ‘government briefcase’ or ‘papsak’. Usually we do not venture into the corporate world, but rather aspire to be floor managers at our local retail store OR we join a gang.

People from the North do nothing but braai, drink brandy and coke and go to shopping malls in rugby shorts, two-toned shirts and are almost always barefoot. They are often responsible for in-breeding and most of them are mechanics.

Your CBD/Atlantic Seaboard folks are snobs. Hang out at the most ‘to do’ venues and have no time for the rest of us commoners as they sip on dacquaris and chat about the latest investments or fashion shindig.

Township dwellers never wash. They work on construction sites. Their staple diet is a quarter unsliced, chicken and milk stout. We do not associate ourselves with them. Especially not if we’re from the CBD.

Gam, Boere, Whiteys, Daakies…the terms we associate with the above class/race groups.

Don’t you just love stereotypes.

You know what I love more about stereotypes are proving these very stereotypes wrong.

My next sentence could start “I’m not racist hey…i have 23 black friends.” I love this sort of remark even more, so much that I’d literally smack someone who pipes up with that sort of rubbish.

These stereotypes are what we’ve been taught, what society would have us believe…it stems from a divided past and unfortunately is still very much a part of our current make up and thought processes. We try to wash over this with wonderful ideas like BEE, BBBEE and any sort of fancy window-dressing which we claim to be a solution.

Yes we have a jaded past and it doesn’t change in a decade or even two decades. It takes years to change…the key to this change is the mind. If you can change someone’s thinking, you’ve come a long way to changing their activity and reasoning.

I had a t-shirt from ‘World Tribe’ which read “whoever rules the media, rules the mind”

How’s your mind?

Mine is duidelik, hosh 🙂




The Drawing Board

Music unites.

Sometimes it doesn’t and causes more division than what we started off with. It often leaves more questions than needs answering…often causes divides.

Why is this?

Why will the masses always be drawn to the hype, the hysteria, until it’s the average…when will we identify true quality and follow it wholeheartedly?

I had a listen to Fabric 61 mixed by the Visionquest lads who have had a really successful year. They’ve pretty much re-developed a sound with hints of disco, house and techno and have grabbed this industry by the short n curlys. As a result, they’ve drawn a following…the following has turned into a horde of zombies and the result thereof is monotonous and regurgitated.

Of course, when something is good or even really good, it’s natural to move towards it. This, until it becomes saturated! The flavour of the month, like.

For the pioneers it’s fantastic. They’ve led the way…what then for the rest of us or rather the rest of you disc jockeys who now seek to play the very same sound, the very same sets, the very same tracks. Pretty boring for us the listener, no?

There’s the Art Departments, Maceo Plex’s, Soul Claps who are getting the same sort of results too…it’s really just killing their work. Of course, dropping the odd track here and there is no harm, but come on, we can’t all be playing the same stuff. Surely.

There’s a saying I’ll paraphrase, which basically states “we are all unique”…just like everyone else, eh 🙂

If you’re not differentiating yourself from the rest, how then do you expect to make something of this career you’ve sought? How do you expect to remain current and at the forefront rather than just another fad?

The latest fads are the Guetta’s and Deadmau5 of the world. Lets see how long they remain? How long they’re able to ‘produce’ a sound enjoyed by many…yet a sound we identify as theirs.

The likes of Ricardo Villalobos continue to do this, not following trends, but setting them. Being bold enough to release work like RE:ECM, the likes of Alton Miller…so relevant still today, that his beginnings in Detroit are still prevalent in his work, yet able to rock a crowd’s socks off right now. It’s because these cats have stayed at the forefront, rather than followed…

This is so applicable to life! I’m not saying reinvent yourself every week…i’m not saying be ridiculous…i’m saying be authentic. Find out what makes you different and ‘market’ this to the hills. It may be your only selling point, but it’s your selling point!

This. Is on the top of my ‘to do list’