People Two People

I met a girl on Sunday. A 19year old girl…the conversation we had left an indelible mark on my life.

We spoke about human beings, our imperfection…we spoke of the misinterpretation of Christianity and the distrust and judgement that goes along with this. I share with her openly, my disease, and the un-manageability it had caused…how this has [in]directly affected my viewpoint on church and people and life. The content of our conversation was of such value, I am left feeling a sense of great respect towards this female…this woman of character. I have never before experienced such a sense of purpose and direction from a person still in their late teens.

3weeks ago I met a gentlemen. 60years old he is. Throughout our interaction over the past 21 day period, I’ve always felt a sense of maturity, intellect and gratitude from him. Last night he shared some of his experiences with a group of us. Besides his immense material wealth, he also is an extremely intelligent human-being. However, these ‘human’ measurements could not save him from the person he had become, as a result of this disease.

This got me thinking. I, being quite intelligent and quite ‘achieved’ in terms of physical possessions, have often come across as a rather pompous human-being, with a great amount of denial towards my faults and illness… Well, if he [who has achieved more than I have and more] could find himself at the cross-roads of life vs. death. If he could realise the chaos he had caused as a result of his disease. If he could become exceedingly humble and grateful for a second chance at life. Who am I?

Today’s write is about people. Over these past two days [and even before], I’ve been reminded that we meet people, not per chance.

I am grateful for the human-beings I meet who leave a positive effect on me.

I am grateful for people…two people.

HP…more than just a sauce

“We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” – Step 3 of the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous

For the longest while, I’ve struggled to connect with God [as I understand him]…

Caught up in my mind and my life and having it all about me, is what was going on. When that’s happening, there’s no way I can relate or connect, let alone do what the above step suggests. Often, it seemed easier to just run on my will-power…after all, this is what I know best right? It’s helluva difficult to ‘surrender’ to a ‘God’ [idea] that I’ve never seen [physically]…more so, when I really don’t want to believe he exists or even give that idea a chance.

Coupled with this, there’s the annoying part where others try to ‘enforce’ their understanding of God onto me, which just complicates the exercise even more.

Right now, I’m still not close to total surrender. It’s a daily struggle!

What I do find though, is once I’ve surrendered [even for a while], there’s evidence…positive evidence!

My struggle is different to yours and yours and yours…I don’t discount that for a moment. What I face may be minute in comparison to your turmoil. That being said, I have no doubt, the ability to call on a Higher Power can be nothing but liberating and quite frankly, helpful.

The mind is ridiculous though…at least, mine is. I’ll concoct a number of reasons as to why this is not a good idea…which has it’s fair share of repercussions.

Modern thinking would more often refute the idea of a God rather than accept it and enjoy the benefits.

I find the ‘as we understood him’ part quite humorous…cos, honestly, I at the best of times don’t understand God, which takes me to the realisation and comfort that I don’t actually need to ‘understand’ him, I really only need to trust him.

The sweet part about the ‘as we understood him’ is that nobody can really brainwash me into their understanding of God. Yes, they can share their thoughts and discoveries, but the onus is on me to discover God [as we understand him]

Today, I’ve decided to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him…

Tomorrow…

 

Just for Today!

Hear…and now!

Right now I’m sitting in my parent’s office/study area, typing this sentence. What I did before this is pretty much immaterial to what I’m actively doing now.

Yes there are possibly repercussions from earlier activities, which play themselves out in this present moments’ reality, however, the fact is there is nothing i can do about what has gone before…or even what is to come. I for one would love to disprove this fact, by thinking about my previous doings or how I shall conduct myself tomorrow – possibly with some goal or outcome in mind. My mind [can] become so obsessed by the future, that I forget what is actually happening right now…what i’m actually able to control.

My OCD’like behaviour and constant striving for perfection, means i dare not not know whats going to happen in my world tomorrow…or even in the next hour or next few minutes. I struggle. Wrestle with myself…the goings on in my head, thrashing out hundreds of possible scenarios, to ensure I get to exactly the outcome i want. It just has to go this way! Has to!

 By doing this, it is me who loses out on the [possible] pleasure of the present…bereft of the current happiness I may be enjoying. For what? The unknown.

So daily I am faced with a decision [one of many in fact], a decision as to whether I want to enjoy the present and life as I know it…OR i could get ahead of myself and let my sick mind run amok on happenings which have not and may never happen[ed].

Of course there is some necessity in planning and ensuring that which I can control is kept running smoothly, however, when I begin to focus on things which quite frankly aren’t even important or fact-based, with the view to ‘manipulating’ life to suit me…this is when I’ve lost the plot, and the consequences thereof are dire.

It is important to listen

 

 

 

 

Walk and Talk

I really have nothing to say today. However, I’ll somehow formulate some sort of comment or response so that my voice can be heard. I’ll spout such utter rubbish, with as little substance [to the topic at hand] as possible, but it’s so that I can speak.

My knowledge on certain topics leaves much to be desired, but sitting in silence while others contribute their informed opinion, is just too much to ask. How can I go unheard? How can i not know what they’re talking about? How can I be honest about my lack of understanding on this particular area.

Surely I should have an opinion on everything from two-toed sloths to rocket science and everything in-between. If I don’t comment I’ll be frowned upon, shunned and even mocked, right?

Am I not comfortable enough in my own skin to accept that I don’t have a handle on everything [most things] happening on this blue planet? Maybe some things aren’t important for me to take an interest in or get wind about…just maybe? It’s not like my role on earth is to be encyclopaedia-like in my interaction with other humans.

Hows about I concentrate on the key areas of my make-up and work on getting that ‘down pat’ instead of wanting to know what’s the latest on anything and everything…so that I can seem informed, when quite frankly I am not.

Life’s a lot about application of knowledge…not just knowledge.

I talk too much.

To Be Honest

There’s something about getting honest.

Something about telling it like it is. Saying exactly what transpired, exactly what I’m feeling, exactly what I’ve been hiding for days…weeks…months…even decades.

There’s a sense of liberation about it. A sense of freedom. Freedom from myself.

Of course, speaking secrets comes with its fair amount consequences. There’s no telling how the ‘public’ will react once they’ve come to know what we’ve been hiding for all this time. That said, at least, now they know and there’s an opportunity to move from there.

I’ve really needed to get honest with myself. Arguably the toughest three weeks of my time on this planet and this is just the beginning. The onus is now on me to continue being honest, continue living with my honesty, irrespective what the outcomes of this honesty entails.

With honesty comes sacrifice. Comes hurt. Comes disappointment…

I’d like to believe that in being honest I’ve gained respect too. Previously I sought respect by association, now I am respected for speaking truth. A lot more real, this.

Already today I’ve needed to be honest to three people. On all three occasions the response was supportive and totally unexpected. Yes, my mind runs wild with assumptions of what reactions I’ll get, assuming the worst of course. It’s how my brain works…incorrectly so.

I am my own worst enemy, more so when I’m dishonest.